emily (who_lime) wrote,
emily
who_lime

converted to cynicism

Blurred vision and shuddering weights. The sound ripples around me, and I stalk the world through these smudged lenses. The caress of his gentle nose is the only thing grounding me to the moment, to the anchor of tomorrow. I had a dream that I doused the place in flames then I fuck it up today like a fool. Like striking a match at a gas station, dragging the crimson tip along the lips of fate, taunting and teasing and daring the unthinkable. As if I needed more help I'm practically asking for more anguish, begging for a harder road. It's about to be so much easier, I'm about to be able to sigh that sweet sigh of comfortability, but I can't sit still long enough to make it there. I can't wait patiently, I can't do anything patiently, I have to make it near unbearable with catastrophe. Have to make it interesting. Can't get bored. But I decided something today. I've decided I like my pride. I like this plummeting feeling of failure, I like this gnawing intolerable unease. I beat myself up more than anyone could ever approach, and I like it. It means I value what I am, or better what I can be. I know what I should be and I let myself down when I fall short. It's so easy, I knew I should have checked and checked twice. But I thought it was paranoia, turns out it was instinct. I am such a fuck up, because I have been better than this and I know it. I'm not the worst person, I don't commit the worst mistakes, but for me they're unacceptable and unchanging. I let myself down. So many people have let me down recently though. And it's no fault of theirs, but it's more of a fault of my expectations of them. I was so blessed and privileged growing up to have such wonderful people around me that when I reached this part of life and everyone around me became of normal caliber I was disappointed and threw tantrums like a child. But soon I'll be 25 and refusing to admit I'm an adult is increasingly more absurd. I have found my own two feet, I have begun a shaky walk and time is coming near to run and run hard. I thought life would play out so easily, I thought love was inevitable. I think now it's ok if I'm alone, completely alone. I think those who are afraid of being alone are too scared of themselves. So I'll learn to love myself and being with me and I always have Scoot. He needs me for sure, turns out no one else does. Except my family. My brother lets me down a lot, but I think if I really needed him he would come through. I hope, but I know my parents always will be there. It's not that my friends haven't been there for me, it's just that I know they are no longer obligated to me. They are obligated to boyfriends, or husbands, and that's how it should be right? We're supposed to find that one other in the world that is the be all end all and when it comes down to it they are always first, right? I really can't argue, makes sense to me. So I don't begrudge, I grow up. I don't complain, I love them still, I just stand alone. And I stand fucking proud and tall. And when I fall, like today, I fall hard, and I fall on myself. I'm growing stronger, and it feels exhilarating. I'll learn to be careful about trusting another again, if I trust at all, and I won't expect too much anymore for those with others to account to. If it happens to me, probably not, I'm sure I'll act the same. I guess I'll be lying to say I'm not bitter, but I won't let them know. Won't let it show. Won't rain on their parade, that's not fair. I'm happy for them, that's not a lie at all, but I'm sad to lose my best friends to their husbands and girlfriends and boyfriends. I hope when everyone looks up from their busy lives and loves one day they aren't too shocked at what they see in me. If they see it at all, but by then it won't matter. It's already too late to make me believe again. Maybe cutting myself off is a terrible idea, but then again when have I EVER been known to make good decisions...
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