I can't stop toying with my scars from the summer, but I vehemently refuse to wish to go back. Someone told me there is a saying, buddhist I think, that is let go of that which wounds you. Beautiful. I'll hold to that. My happiness at the moment feels so thin and fragile, but at least it's there. I have decided not to drink any alcohol until February. And with a true friend to be there with me and hold me accountable I'm giddy and thrilled about it. I have been trying to return to the high school girl I so admired, and I think the main missing link might be here. She never drank, and for a month neither will I. It's day two, and though I believe I might still be in the honeymoon phase about it I already feel happier, feel more energetic, I want to read and explore and write and exercise and clean. I was told I don't smile enough. Me. This is me. ME. Absurd, I am the happy optimistic dreamer who finds beauty in every turn of this daily life. Or I was. I don't want to change but the inspiration is gone. But maybe it's just buried a little, covered in dust and snow and winter twilight. I won't prod this slight reprieve too much lest it gets snatched away again, but I have hopes for future strength. Last night was so wonderful. I had dinner with a friend who I hadn't seen in a while and as he drank wine I sipped water and smiled. Even though we went to the restaurant where his girlfriend waited on us it was so nice to spend a liesurely meal over good food and deep and varied conversation. I know it wasn't a real date but it was so so nice to spend time with someone one on one and just talk all night about everything from movies to musicals to bad decisions to childhood dreams and the definition of art. Then we met up with his girlfriend at a bar when she was done and we contiued to talk and share our views and thoughts and desires. They drank martinis and beer...I had coffee. I just desperately need time to find my footing and reassess the girl who is me and what I want and need and can tolerate and believe in. And I can't wait :) I am going home again soon, in a couple of weeks, and Bevin is coming with me! I can't wait, we'll go to Merridee's and walk around the square and swing at Walnut Grove and explore downtown Nashville and hopefully see old friends who I miss dearly. Life is good again, finally I'm relaxing into 2011 and I see myself rising to the expectations I had for it. This is my fucking year dammit, and I am going to fight for it until it ends or it ends me.