emily (who_lime) wrote,

Sometimes I feel like I'm disappearing. Who am I acting for anymore? When did my audience loose interest? My dialogue is overrun with cliches, my backdrops are crumbling, and my costume is tearing. Paint is chipping, makeup is smearing, and the lights are slowly burning out. I don't look forward to tomorrow, I'd rather it stay away but somehow reasoning won't come to me. Is anyone really happy anymore? I think probably not, unless they are in denial. But who am I to take that away from them, let the ignorant love their bliss. This isn't despair, this isn't depression, this is just indifference. I'll go to work, I'll go to class, I'll play my part. I just lost sight of why, and until it matters I'll play along.
I've lost sight of permanence too. Why save money, why put off getting more tattoos, why not get drunk every night? At least then I felt something, I reveled in the insane abandon, the whirlwind of senses and the flooding of freedom and invincibility. It always ends though, every time, washing up in the shallows of regret. But that feeling, oh the oh so sweetness drenching me, the deep breath full of life, the lengthening of time and the beauty unquestioned so dramatically owned. I miss kissing strangers, I miss being held. Just for a night, only regretted tomorrow. And tomorrow never comes, it never comes today. I could scream, maybe later when I have the energy. Another thing procrastinated, I'll care...maybe later.
So much, so much lost so much hated so much unfair so much love unattainable so much love unbelievable so much to learn so much to lose so much so much so much so much.
I am going to get another tattoo, I am going to go to the entire weekend of Moogfest, I am going to buy new tires for my car, and new jeans and clothes, I am going to buy a new dress for Maggie's wedding, we are going to get a new couch for the living room, I am going to pay for my tuition, I am going to pay my medical bill, I am going to keep up my contract with my new smart phone and pay the bill on time every month, I am going to keep my apartment clean, I am going to eat better exercise and loose weight, and I am going to fall in love.
Isn't life hilarious? The things we believe we can do...fucking hilarious.
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