emily (who_lime) wrote,

I am faltering, hesitating, stalling. Should I speak of it? any of it, all of it.
I am remembering a love of learning. I can name most of the bones in the body and I now know how a thought in our head to move our fingers results in a wave. It's incredible.
I met a boy. He is fine, we had a great night, he kissed me like I haven't been kissed in a while, it was nice. I don't know at what point I thought I'd be dating a 35 year old but it's easier than it seems. I met him with tears in my eyes though.
Because then there was him.
I saw him for the first time since February. He walked in and a cold sweat settled on me. I lost my breath, forgot how to listen, stumbled to my feet, and kicked back tears. I got the side hug and an awkward moment next to him. But at least I got my twister board back. huh. And then he texted me, and added me on facebook again. So silly, but now it's back on. His number is hidden in my phone, but it's there, and I can follow his daily thoughts once more. Poison, addiction, pathetic. It's like asking an alcoholic to bartend. He told me it was good to see my smile and hear my laugh again. I wonder if I mean anything near what he meant to me? I wonder if he still thinks of me and misses being together? I wonder if he'll call me, if he'll see me again, if he'll try.
Winter is coming. These gray days lay whispers of the coming snows and the memory of summer heat waves are simmering down. Slowly shorts are moving to the bottom of the drawer and flip flops are fading to socks. I'm terrified. I'm so nervous for this season to return. I barely survived last winter, and although my pain is more of a constant ache than a debilitating agony I'm worried. But I have school now and a job I love and a great place to live with roommates who are awesome. I'll go home and be with my family for Christmas, really things should be fine. But I'm still anxious. It's like I'm walking a tightrope over a yawning cavern, and if the wire freezes I know I'll slip. Let's hope it's a warm winter.
My birthday is coming soon. I can't wait. I am really looking forward to being 25. In fact I already kinda consider myself that age. I've already switched it in my head and if anyone was to ask me I'd probably automatically answer with 25. I don't know why I'm so thrilled, I guess it feels real somehow, that I'll finally be an adult. Adult. I wonder if that word will ever feel natural applied to me. I hope not.
Last night I had an awful dream. Some kind of angel of death told me I was dying, and that I would be dead by the end of the day. I think someone cooked me a bad meal and I guess I got poisoned. But I had the whole day to spend before I died, and the only thing I did was go around and hug my friends and told them how much I loved them. I couldn't tell them though that I was dying, but I had to tell them anyway that I loved them. I remember Maggie, and Zach, and Amanda specifically. Actually there was a bunch of others, all from high school really, not any from college or now. But it was tragically sad, and beautiful. I got to hug my friends, and remember how much they mean to me. I miss you guys. I miss a lot of things. But I love you. I love you lots.
I'm pretty sure I have more to say, but I'll save it for later. Always time for later.
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