emily (who_lime) wrote,
emily
who_lime

I've avoided this blank page for weeks now. I've felt the itch, hidden my twitching with a muted longing, writhed internally while outwardly mouthing my daily words to a stoic reality. What do you want me to say? What could I possibly say? I tell everyone I am happy, I giggle and blush and twirl strands of hair around my finger as I sigh his excellence to expecting ears. It's true too, maybe in the cruelest realization, not all of it is an act. Each day I slip more out of the actor and more into the character than I ever thought I knew how to. At first I panicked because intimacy has always tripped me up at the beginning. Then when things continued to improve I panicked because I thought any day now I would fall into my old ways and a mundane trivial flaw of his would send me running back to my hills of solitary confinement and forced loneliness. And now comes the biggest panic of all, I am panicking because what if I fall now and he leaves me behind? I can't take another heartbreak, I just can't, it's been over a year now and it's still too soon. Hearts are the hardest to break and the longest to heal, and I can't fathom the thought of mine enduring and surviving what it already has. He is different though, he is not as crazy as me. Ha, he doesn't even suspect my insanity but I am beginning to believe that if he knew he wouldn't care because he can't reach me there. But maybe I am wrong. Is it horrible that I am as intrigued by his damaged parts as I am by his fabulous qualities? I have been drawn towards the damaged, seduced by the unstable, and shuddered with the shakiest of souls and still he seems too normal to pass my scrutiny. Am I holding out? Am I postponing? I feel like sabotaging the whole thing and at the same time I see all the right moves to play just as easily as winning a chess game against an oblivious amateur. Oh how I long for him to prove me wrong, to put me in my place, to chastise my arrogance and chide my foolish pride. I feel like a child throwing a tantrum, and then I feel like a sell out washing away my dreams in a pale bleach. Life is a balance beam, a see saw, Justice's scale. Tip one side and sway down the other, footing is impossible for the unclear of heart. Heart. My heart. I am terrified, I am sobbing my horror, I am raking my claws against my resolve, and I do this all with a plastered smile. How do we come back from this torture? How do we heal from this pain when it really matters? Has nothing really tested me since now? I suppose not or I would be more healed. I don't want heal though. I don't want to ever forget. Because forgetting is erasing the lesson, and here it is. Love is not kind, love is not patient, love is impossible and love is irresistible and it takes more than a fairy tale. I've failed the fairy tale and suffered the cynical life, and now I'm ready to just sigh it all away and live. Live up to the pain, live up to the pleasure, live up to the come what may and give it a whirl. Come hell or high water, come one and come all, I am starting this all over again. Let's just hope I'm strong to live through round two.
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