emily (who_lime) wrote,

It's been a while since I've had a night to myself. A night where the only spoken words I uttered were lullabies of love in rhythm with the drumming of my toes to my slumbering girl's snores and on pace with my gentle strokes along my baby boy's back. A night where I felt like I was getting away with something by having popcorn for dinner and letting my wet hair dry in unruly waves rioting over my shoulders. I used to spend these nights with a bottle of wine and a movie to watch that I knew would end with blurry eyes and smudgy glasses, usually one that has won many Sundance Film Festival awards and has only actors that are minor celebrities at best. And tonight I did exactly that, but I found myself slightly thrown.
With so much repetitious familiarity it was disorienting to find myself a stranger to my once expected mindset. The checklist was all marked accordingly: alcohol, smothered by my babies, a touching movie with a stylized love story, a theme of getting older and life presenting a different less glamorous path than was promised by our bedtime stories and over-protective parents. Except there was one obvious change. You.
These past two months have been the happiest of my life, without exception. I know it would in the most classic of ways have defeated the purpose if you could have known me before I met you, but I was a lost romantic on the search for a love that I was dangerously close to believing was all a lie and a scam invented by cleverly gifted lyricists and lighting directors of chick flicks. For agonizing years of my life I longed for a love to come and sweep me off my feet, I tortured myself with day dreams and ripped my heart to its edges so that I could bleed the last of my hope into secret prayers and diary entries. I was devastatingly lonely but at the same time resilient, and for as much in this last year as I swore I was giving up, and trust me I tried with every fiber of determined cynical cultivation, I knew I never came close to completely losing my faith. I knew because something finally convinced me. You.
Being with you is like living a fantasy, it's like every day dream I ever cooked up came true. It's like you're reading a script I wrote when I first believed in love, and I'm hearing myself chanting the lines on cue like I'm watching from the starry eyed audience. I am in love with you the way teenagers love for the first time, which is both what I've been yearning for and what terrifies me. I have no more barriers to you, no more guard up to protect what I know can be so gingerly and catastrophically broken. But I am diving head first, I am giving you everything, I believe in love enough once again to fully commit to it, and I believe in it this much because of one thing and one thing only. You.
And so as I watched my movie, so carefully chosen for the love story and life lesson oh so applicable to the tortured state of the late twenty something, I felt different than my previous nights of self indulgence and self pity. I watched the romance unfold, and instead of a dreamy jealousy for the dashing young protagonist making grand gestures to his roundabout true love I could only think about how you would have made those gestures better, how you would have said something in the right moment that was funnier, and how you would have taken my face in your hands and kissed my lips gentler, with more passion, and with more earnest tenderness. I noticed this the other night too, with every man around me no matter where I am now, I find myself comparing him to you and without a shred of surprise noticing that he falls short of you in every way. And from a lifetime of seeing men around me as potential lovers, of longing for one of them to come close, I find my heart is finally at peace. At peace with one thing. You.
You must have stolen my wit as this has no form of brevity, but in my long winded way I wanted to say this. I used to spend these nights heart sick and crimson eyed and tonight there was only a ghost of that sad girl stirring. Two months seem to be no time at all, but my heart feels like it has known you forever. By habit I felt like tonight should have lead to sorrow but instead it led to this. I still feel at times like I imagined you, that I willed you into my life because nothing could be this perfect, could feel this right. I am waiting for the tragedy I have come to expect to remove you from me, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but for now I am willing to silence my fear. This life is too short to not spend every moment deliriously happy if you can, and there has only been one thing that has ever given me reason to believe that I just might be able to. You.
Thank you, for loving me.
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