emily (who_lime) wrote,

broken hearted rant

These past few days, which have felt endless and rapid and are actually a few weeks, I've felt the urge to write at odd moments. I'll be driving or working or crying on the phone to one of my amazing friends. So even though now I'm not overly inspired I'm going to write because LeeAnn, who is always right about everything, told me it would be healing for me write. Here goes.
This lasting pain is like a constant gasp with no breath that rips at my heart and pulls nothing inward to nothing. It's torturous, fueled by a masochistic need to know only that which will wound my heart further. I want to reach something, I need something to fill a crumbling void, and I scratch and claw at empty air and pure blinding pain. I've never felt this way and I stomp around my apartment yelling and clutching my fists like a child screaming, "When will it end?!?!" I hate him at times, wondering how someone can be so thoughtless and cruel, and then I wish I could go back to just being friends, and then I remember her and how I used to be the one he held at night, the one he sent texts to when he was bored, the one he kissed and touched and more. And now there's her. With no gap after me, it began before we ended. I feel betrayed and lost and confused. He caused me all this pain and in some vicious twist of irony he's the only one I want to run to to make it better and the one only who cannot do so. This is what a broken heart feels like, and I never knew until now the true horror that lies behind it. My thoughts turn between her and the horrible ways he treated me and the times he let me down and the lies he promised me and the hurtful things he told me at the end, and also the stolen kisses in the dark and the way I sang to him as we played songs for each other on youtube and the nights we spent playing jenga and worst of all the way he looked at me the night he took me out with his friends and held my hand and we smiled into each others eyes not needing anyone else around us. Lost in our private happiness, now a myth I used to believe in.
I feel like this pain is never worth the attempt ever again. What's the point? It's going to end again, and I'll be right back here. And here is the worst place I've ever been. I find myself sighing heavily all the time and constantly dragging around a load of unbearable sadness. Even when I fool myself long enough to be happy again for a moment a memory or thought or swift dose of reality reminds me of the pain I cannot deny for long. I'm just waiting for this all to go away, because eventually I know that it will, but I know too it will take quite a while. And then it will be replaced with a different pain, although more familiar to me, like an old friend. I'll go from being betrayed and hurt and angry to alone. Alone again and maybe for forever. Because this shit is terrible, and I'm having trouble believing it will ever be worth this much agony.
But still this is me expressing my deepest hurt. The only reason I'm not constantly curled in a sobbing ball clutching my cat and giving up, although it happens at times, is because I am blessed with the absolute most amazing friends anyone has ever hoped for. So I write this to heal and get it out and be done with it because I know though I wail I am alone I am not. I am not alone because I have the most incredible support system and I love everyone very dearly. It is in our deepest moments of need and pain that our friends are given the chance to shine, and mine have lived up to the task splendidly! I love you all so so so so much, and I know I will be ok and life is amazing and I am happy only because I have you!
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