emily (who_lime) wrote,

day four and counting...my account of sobriety

I had scheduled a breakdown tonight, and I'm a little upset that I'm no longer in a state to have one. I have a day off tomorrow and I had planned on screaming and crying and beating the night away but now I'm too excited and happy to do so. I've been on the verge of crying for days and really needed to get it out, but I have found a better way to spend my day off than resting my swollen eyes. I am going to get my ear pierced again! I know that sounds silly, but wait till you see it. I've been wanting a new tattoo and an industrial piercing for months and months now. Well...tattoo down, and piercing tomorrow! Can't wait can't wait can't wait! Bummer though I was really looking forward to a good cry. Perhaps I'll have another day off soon and I'll be depressed again by then. I just can't help but think how I told him I had this plan. I've followed through with part one, the tattoo, and now part two. I kinda think he never believed me, and while this is completely for me I can't wait to see him and prove I keep my word when I say I'm going to do something. And why am I doing this? Cause I fucking want to! I'm sure I'll get asked that a lot from now on. But why? What's the point? Does it hurt? And I'll just shrug, and say I did it cause I wanted to, and I think it's hot. I haven't been able to sleep. I keep dreaming of Christmas, and him, and his kids, and how they fall in love with me, and her, and how he leaves me for her this time, and that I'm pregnant. But I don't want any of that, still my dreams haunt me. I never fully sleep and between Scoot and horrible thoughts and the tears I deny I walk around in a daze constantly because my dreams haunt me and I can't sleep. Scoot simultaneously keeps me up all night and is the only thing keeping me together when I have bad dreams. My knight in shining white armor, savior of my sanity. I've never been in such a dark place I think. I'm nowhere near rock bottom, I realized that tonight, but I've never been so depressed in my life. They want me to smile more and this is what it takes, if they want to fire me because of what it takes then fuck you very much consider this my two weeks. And we're going to buy fish. I'm going to name mine Ted because I'm obsessed with How I Met Your Mother and I'm in love with Ted. See, all is not lost. I still connect and fall in love with a character on a show who's a sappy romantic. My heart isn't completely broken. Not yet. But it is wiser, and more cynical, and appropriately guarded. How very ridiculous, and the little lizard, who was something of a cynic, laughed outright. But my wings still beat and I still have a heart yearning for a thorn. I just need to realize I'll prick that thorn when the time is right and the rose is ready on the right tree. You can't rush love, and happiness, my ultmiate goal, is not dependent on it. How wierd, this new obsession of mine and love. Huh, I meant to write happiness and I wrote love. Here I am trying to convince myself I'm only searching for happiness and it's a new obsession and my mind automatically writes love. Practice makes perfect, you can't understand a revelation overnight. I'm so wired, I've had a lot of coffee cause I'm not drinking alcohol. I had planned on staying up all night screaming and crying and puching things (I've recently discovered how good it feels to punch a wall) but now I think I'll crawl in bed with Scoot and finish a movie. My bed is so comfortably big and empty and soft. Although I do miss a good warm body bigger than a 13 pound fluffball I do also enjoy freedom over the lights and bedtime movies. Scoot never complains about my choices, he just stretches out beside me, settles in spooning mode, and rests his soft cheek on my arm. You know, life's not so unbearable these days after all. And just when I thought I'd earned a breakdown...such a shame.
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