My smiles drag wide as I spin myself further and further underground, sliding down into the cozy grooves. I just deleted note after note, tearing them along the well loved creases. I'm tired and these hands don't even look like mine. But the pain is mine. How do I climb out of this hole? I'm in no mood to go to a party, or a new job, or a new home, or a wedding. Or a wedding. It's one mistake after another, one regret after another, one memory forgotten after another. I spend my time working, and after work I drink, and after drinking I sleep. I sleep, then I drink, then I sleep and work then drink then work then work then drink then drink then drink. This is my life. This is my lie. This is me. Meeting molly in the bar, then dancing with her, then swinging with her, then staying up all night talking and wanting more with her. She makes my life incredible and at the same time she ruins me. Still you must spend a night with her, your world will change forever :) But molly didn't come to play tonight. Just me and the old favorite. I think I would have been better off following my brother's path rather than my sisters'. His influence at least leaves me in charge and thoughtful and conscious of making the right decision and I always remember what I've done. My sisters' path leaves me whorish and sloppy and poor and with gaps and holes in my that patchy memory I maintain. I think I shall get fat and wear only sweatpants and occasionally surface and go to a show with molly rather than continue to try to succeed out at bar with the tutoring of my sisters. I need to stop waking up at random houses of girls and guys and sneaking out and calling cabs to take me back to my car downtown. I need to stop indeed. Oh god that song came on. It was his favorite of the band we shared. I hate him still. Hate him. Hate hate hate hate hate. This much hate? From me? I never hate. I love loving. It's love that does it though. Love will ruin you to the point of hatred. Painful, unforgettable, unconquerable memories from this curse called love. I think I'll give up indeed and get fat and never try again. This is all bullshit, and no one is ever happy. Humans are cruel. I give up.