emily (who_lime) wrote,

My self is being torn from seam to seam. Like peeling apart the fraying ends, I've been striping away my resolve and what I thought I knew. I'm just spitting out words like the backwash I've held in for far too long. Just the feel of my stretching fingers is enough to excite me like I've desired since the last night I spent with him when I still believed we'd be ok. I miss losing myself in that passion...but that's another concern to work out in a different medium.


I wrote that weeks ago, and when I signed on today I restored it from a saved draft. I'm not entirely sure what I was going to write tonight, but whatever it was that just changed it. I've been feeding hormones into my body to prevent a baby I can't have because the act of possibly creating it hasn't happened to me in a long, long time. Or in other words I've been very lonely and that damn pill made me near suicidal. It's been a strange road and an awful feeling. Not so much that I wanted to end my life, but that I wouldn't mind it if a truck ran me off the road and secretly I wished it would. I just knew deep deep down that there was no happiness left to me and there was no point in trying for a better tomorrow. No worries, the feeling is gone now mostly. I quit the damn thing and for the first week it was like soaring into a manic phase on a bipolar see saw. An emotional swing straining at the chains on a rise. I literally had a bounce to my step, my feet were lighter and skipped a beat when I walked. I laughed often and loudly, like before, and my energy was stronger than it has been since the breakup (it's stupid that that's such a milestone). Anyways I was healed in a soulful way that made the sun brighter and the air fresher and my heart fonder of my little man who saves me from a loveless life with a daily lazy smile every morning. Pearly pink ears and tickling whiskers, what would I do without him? But today I woke up a mess again. The old feeling was back, but weaker and detached like it wasn't my misery pumping my lungs into panicked breathing but rather something distant and disowned. I knew what the cause WAS and I'm wondering if traces still linger in my blood, but I sat back and watched myself boil and dwell in that aching once more. Situations would escalate me into unreasonable anger unbefitting the situation and I pondered myself like I was another person. Where does this anger come from? Where does this abject self loathing and depression originate? Why do I feel like everyone hates me and I am worthless and a waste of talent and unhappy? I can't seem to gather my feet beneath me, and I'm only to blame when each night I seem to wander further and further down a road I never knew I'd know so intimately for so long. Music helps, music always helps, and drinking hurts, but drinking always happens. I used to think I let everyone down, I used to think I was ruined without a will to change and be better. But now that I'm more myself again I still feel ruined and like I let everyone down but at least there's a spark of a will to change and be better now. I'm rambling and I want to cry, but again that detached feeling assesses the tears welling and tells them to settle. It's a curiosity, like getting to know someone who reacts in odd ways to things. I want to punch a hole in the wall, to wring my ears until they bleed, but then I giggle and think what a silly notion. Just perk up. I know I sound crazy, and half the time I feel like my hold on reality is slipping slightly. My dreams have always been vivid and intense but recently I wake up and it takes me a good few minutes to distinguish between the dreaming and the waking. Sometimes those good few minutes last all day. Maybe I am going crazy. Split personality? Bi-polar? Depression? Nervous breakdown? Looking back one would never predict that from me, but then again it's always the ones you never suspect. I wish I could fall backwards into this insanity and embrace it with love. What a wonder, loving one's insanity. I've been reading more, it makes me happy and calm but really doesn't help much in regaining my sturdy reality. Funny, never had that problem before. This town is taking me down with it, I've strayed into Never Never Land and I may never never grow up and return. Oh well, I'm still trying because I have an appointment with my doctor Tuesday, so I guess there's that for me. Not a lost boy yet. But right now I'm four beers deep and about to be two bowls in...good times good night and good riddance to us all ;)
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