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Bitter-Sweet
 
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Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in emily's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 14th, 2010
11:25 pm
More and more I am beginning to feel like my life is real again. I've been in a series of waiting...waiting to drive, waiting to drink, waiting to graduate, waiting to find a career, waiting to find a true love of my life. I moved to Asheville becuase I had no other plan and I was drawn to its spirit and beauty and life, I moved here to wait some more. But what if this is it? Some nights I'll be driving home and my memory overlaps my reality and I think these roads around me are the ones I grew up on. But really it's just that they are becoming etched on my heart as my home. I feel like everyone else is waiting too, waiting for me to realize I'm being foolish living here and living this lifestyle with these people. But just because I haven't chosen a life from the path I was on doesn't mean this isn't the life for me. I finally picked a career that suits me in passion, intelligence, and meaning, why can't that life play out here? Either way I'm committed to at least three more years here. Maybe that's why I'm suddenly feeling the happy weight of permanence. I've seen the world, maybe not enough of this country, but enough of everywhere else. Doesn't mean I don't still want to visit more or see other states but I know enough to know these mountains and these souls make me happy. Happy. What a word. Happy. I think a lot of people lose sight of it. Happiness. I think a lot of people just go on living and working and marrying and baby making without really understanding why. Why else do we keep our lungs pumping, our eyes shining, our feet walking? Purpose, conviction, motivation, satisfaction, what do all these things mean to us? To me, I know. I know already. My life is pointed towards happiness. Maybe I'm deluded because I grew up priveleged. I know that I am more fortunate that most, but I also know half of that fortune is in the love of my friends and family and love is always priceless. I am not materialistic and I will live in tiny apartments without new clothes or new shoes or fancy foods or new toys and gadgets. I'll live my own mix of a buddhist hippie life, and I'll let my heart run rampant with beauty and love and above all happiness. My days flow heavy now, the light joy of thinking I was crashing in love gone, but still I know happiness underlies my every breath and is waiting just around the corner to return to me. My heart was wounded, my romantisicm dealt a harsh blow, but my heart is stronger than his pain. My romantic dreaming will resume, and though dimmer now soon it will rage brighter than ever. This hope is why I know it's not dead completely, my ability to still think my true love is coming is why I know this dreamer can't be defeated. I guess then I am still waiting. And I'll wait forever, if I have to, but my rose won't ever be crushed in the gutter. Not this rose.
Friday, November 19th, 2010
10:10 pm
"I wasn't for you and you weren't for me"

I feel taller, and skinnier, and beautiful. This wine buzz spills out my lips and draps its velvet hands across my spreading shoulders. What a seamless day, what a perfection of sunshine and cold kisses of whispering winds. My own two feet two brought me to the glassy lake, sat me beside an old tree stump, and allowed my mind to wrap it's parched yearing around words spoken straight to my soul. I cooked for myself, fed my taste buds succulent fruit dripping with sticky bliss, and licked the cheese slices right off the knife. The furry soft cheek of my baby rested time and timeless again against my trembling hand, too scared to move and disrupt the angelic smile of contentment gracing his shut eyes. I'm swimming in this delerium right now. I spent the day drunk on loving happiness, grateful and collapsed against the comforts of the friends I cherish dearest in my heart's core. Now I'm drunk again, on a special bottle picked solely for the "Enjoy" section on the back: "with some good cheese and an open fire."
I am distracted now and drinking still, happy and lonely and pretty and seductive to the next pair of adoring eyes. Live on good life, drink of the vigor and youth surrounding us.
Thursday, November 18th, 2010
5:56 pm
broken hearted rant
These past few days, which have felt endless and rapid and are actually a few weeks, I've felt the urge to write at odd moments. I'll be driving or working or crying on the phone to one of my amazing friends. So even though now I'm not overly inspired I'm going to write because LeeAnn, who is always right about everything, told me it would be healing for me write. Here goes.
This lasting pain is like a constant gasp with no breath that rips at my heart and pulls nothing inward to nothing. It's torturous, fueled by a masochistic need to know only that which will wound my heart further. I want to reach something, I need something to fill a crumbling void, and I scratch and claw at empty air and pure blinding pain. I've never felt this way and I stomp around my apartment yelling and clutching my fists like a child screaming, "When will it end?!?!" I hate him at times, wondering how someone can be so thoughtless and cruel, and then I wish I could go back to just being friends, and then I remember her and how I used to be the one he held at night, the one he sent texts to when he was bored, the one he kissed and touched and more. And now there's her. With no gap after me, it began before we ended. I feel betrayed and lost and confused. He caused me all this pain and in some vicious twist of irony he's the only one I want to run to to make it better and the one only who cannot do so. This is what a broken heart feels like, and I never knew until now the true horror that lies behind it. My thoughts turn between her and the horrible ways he treated me and the times he let me down and the lies he promised me and the hurtful things he told me at the end, and also the stolen kisses in the dark and the way I sang to him as we played songs for each other on youtube and the nights we spent playing jenga and worst of all the way he looked at me the night he took me out with his friends and held my hand and we smiled into each others eyes not needing anyone else around us. Lost in our private happiness, now a myth I used to believe in.
I feel like this pain is never worth the attempt ever again. What's the point? It's going to end again, and I'll be right back here. And here is the worst place I've ever been. I find myself sighing heavily all the time and constantly dragging around a load of unbearable sadness. Even when I fool myself long enough to be happy again for a moment a memory or thought or swift dose of reality reminds me of the pain I cannot deny for long. I'm just waiting for this all to go away, because eventually I know that it will, but I know too it will take quite a while. And then it will be replaced with a different pain, although more familiar to me, like an old friend. I'll go from being betrayed and hurt and angry to alone. Alone again and maybe for forever. Because this shit is terrible, and I'm having trouble believing it will ever be worth this much agony.
But still this is me expressing my deepest hurt. The only reason I'm not constantly curled in a sobbing ball clutching my cat and giving up, although it happens at times, is because I am blessed with the absolute most amazing friends anyone has ever hoped for. So I write this to heal and get it out and be done with it because I know though I wail I am alone I am not. I am not alone because I have the most incredible support system and I love everyone very dearly. It is in our deepest moments of need and pain that our friends are given the chance to shine, and mine have lived up to the task splendidly! I love you all so so so so much, and I know I will be ok and life is amazing and I am happy only because I have you!
Thursday, November 4th, 2010
3:01 pm
I have things to say and no one to say them to. I've called friends so many times crying that it seems like I'm the girl who cried wolf once too many, and now I'll wait until I'm sure the fangs are out and the claws are in until I cry out once more. I don't know if this is worth it anymore. The pain and the doubt and the waiting and the let downs, for what? Because I'm scared to let it go? Absolutely. I've been hovering on the border of bliss, longing to reach it but unable to until he bends a little more for me. And now I've felt him pulling away, going through the motions without the conviction. I think we're just too oppisite. We've even taken turns convincing the other one that it won't work. That's either a sign that it's been doomed from the begining or we're perfect for each other, when one falters the other holds us up. Tonight I will be the one holding us up. I will be the one begging to give it another go. Begging to not give in, to work through it, offering to change. He's pulled me in so far that now I'll be the one shaken and broken if this ends. I just can't. How can I go to work and see him every day? How can leave the place I love and the friends I've made because we aren't working out? But how can I watch him be with anyone else? I just can't. So I'm left in agony yet again waiting until midnight, waiting for him, waiting to hear the news I know will crush me but I'll fight all the same. Nine hours and counting...let the torture continue.
Monday, August 30th, 2010
12:20 pm
I feel like Scoot. Sometimes I just wanna walk around the apartment, make some confused angry noises, claw at the wall, then take a nap.
Tuesday, August 17th, 2010
2:04 am
baby baby baby bitch
crazy crazy crazy crazy craazy. Tonight: "...otherwise be the awesome you. (And Hi Emzzz)" "...Hope your loving what ever your doing. Have fun..." "Sweetdrizzzzeams em'zzz"

My response: "Sweet dreams to you too Weezie friend! Wish I was dreaming in your arms instead of dreaming of them. Kisses and hugs all night until soon :)"

crazy crazy crazy crazy craazy.
Monday, August 16th, 2010
3:10 pm
utterly lovesick
I'm sinking into this with abandon. Like a trust fall, unsure if anyone is behind me, I'm crossing my arms over my heaving chest and falling backwards into oblivion. It crept upon me on the silent footsteps of passing sunrises, and weeks wasted by until it had its arms wrapped around me. I had been blindfolded, spun round and round and left swinging unknowing, cracking open surprises and riches and delights to fall about me like silver rain. Do I dare pull off this blindfold and peek into the face of this terrifying possibility? I'm so full, it's consuming me and swelling within me threatening to overflow and push out an ocean of tears down my trembling cheeks. I'm relearning, jealous of the girl six years ago and her ease in creation. But I know I'm caught, in some way for some time, and I don't know what to do. The thought is begining to itch and won't be ignored. It's growing and growing and growing. I feel like crying, like screaming, like exploding. I am craving and there's no fix until wednesday. I shouldn't have this much free time, my mind is spining and spining and spining. What the hell is wrong with me? Lovesick indeed. Oh indeed.
Wednesday, August 11th, 2010
10:53 pm
my weekly bottle of wine night rounds again
These days my frustration leads me here. I was so strained but happy when I first began this damn journal in high school, I was broken and nervous but excited because each pain was new and fresh and left raw bruises I pawed with young wonder. Then it became an overchewed stale way to fish for reassurance that is better offered alive, and I fell away and into the glittery lure of a college life that robbed me of who I had become and hoped to be. Now living in my beloved city I'm finding that beautiful girl again I was proud to be, and every minute I claw fresh baby notches towards my goal.

I have been flailing my confusion and my worries and my heartaches into this thing about my boy for a few entries now, and more and more I feel the inspiration to flail some more. My last boy left me dizzy and smiling and comfortable, but this boy, this is something different. I have been trying to up my wriring for years, and finally I feel the passion I had lost envelope me like before. I don't exactly want to attribute all credit to him, but he is helping. Us poor starving wasting away artists, we just need our desperation in order to create. I wish I could tell him the change he's awakening in me. Somehow because I can't tell I even think he has nothing directly to do with it. I'll gladly admit the credit because it's my crazy brain that's screwing the obvious facts. Still this feels god damn amazing, and if I ever feel the urge to thank him I'll let him know. Otherwise my fingers will continue to dance their pain upon this keyboard until the inspiration leaves. I know better than to look this gift horse in his proverbial mouth.

Anyway all that being said, I found myself gazing at him in laughter today, wondering if he heard the joke we all were sharing. Regardless he winked at me, and my heart stopped and never fully regained it's rythym. I wish I could find the words to tell him face to face how handsomely he owns my heart. Perhaps I'll find the words to write him when he's ready. For now your lovely eyes are enough to see.

Blurry eyes reread, and I kiss you all goodnight. My love extends without boundries, thank you, whoever still sees, for seeing.
Tuesday, August 10th, 2010
11:28 pm
All day long I've been itching to jump on here and give freedom to my fingers, let them stretch and shimmy happily over the keys to the beat of their own thrum. I've already deleted two sentences, and still haven't said what I came here to say. My heart and mind are waring hopelessly and I'm terrified to take sides. Terrified, cowardly, hiding from my life. I never knew what courage to live meant until now, but I'm trying daily to rise up to my calling. Now it's not only courage to thrive but courage to love. There's familiar scars healing on my heart that throb to touch this strange but achingly similar predicament. I've loved ones before that couldn't or didn't love me back, but now I'm faced with a new pain. Loving someone who doesn't love me back enough. I guess love is too strong a word at this point, but poeticly my heart collapses into its ease. Saturday in tear soaked agony I turned to him and begged for explanation, for a definition of what I was to him. I wanted to know I was not just another girl he fucked every night. He told me he thinks of me all the time, he's always wondering what I'm doing and where I am. He told me he plans to keep me around for a while, and then we shotgunned a beer. So romantic. But he wiped away my tears, didn't look away when I wailed and wailed to him. I've been so unfair with all these questions, and so witness the moment I give in to my heart. I'm telling my head to shut the hell up and stop all these wonderings, and I'm submitting whole heartedly to the trust I begged for and was promised. If he doesn't need me to help hold up his crumbling life, then I'll divert my thoughts to understanding he knows best how to deal and I'll wait for him to want me again. I wish I could chip away at all the worry and get back to the longing for the days I see him. Tomorrow inevitably will drag until the clock hits two o'clock and I know any minute he could stroll in the door. I'll start hanging around the kitchen, watching the clock and the door with a fluttering heart. I'll hold on to that moment tonight, dream of it and tomorrow night when we gets off work can hold me again. I think perhaps I crave the drama and the danger and the challenge like a drug, and so simple happiness seems too easy for me to accept. I'll just take what I'm given, live day to day, and see where this goes. And maybe eat more chocolate, yes, definitely eat more chocolate too :)
Thursday, August 5th, 2010
10:25 pm
this message brought to you by our sponsers, Black Swan Merlot
Being me is exhausting sometimes. Then again being anyone is exhausting. How is any one person supposed to handle all these emotions I can't shake? I keep fooling myself into believing I'm ok with it all, then I start drinking wine and folgers comercials and so you think you can dance make me cry because the boy asked her father for her hand in marriage and the one friend stabbed the other in the back and he tried to bring him around but the emotion was too naked and bare to deny. I've been staring at my phone all day, first waiting for him, then waiting to hear a call back about an interview, then waiting for her to call. We were supposed to make breakfast for dinner together, then I guess she had to work cause I ended up making spaghetti with sauce that is so old I had to scrape a layer of mold off the top. Too far? Too poor? Too bachlorette? Haha that's ok, I know you read this and I am not mad in the slightest, I know there's a reason and we still have next week for breakfast for dinner and mimosas :) But still I'm wasted away on this feeling, squirming with impatience and praying for sleep or inebriation or something to distract my heart sick mind. I told myself I wouldn't do this, wouldn't fall for it, but I think that's slipping further out of my control. The hardest part is knowing he's shying away from the commitment that promises he'll handle my crazy, so my crazy is left bottled up and boiling because I am trying to be the perfect sexy desirable girl who flirts and swoons and pleases without personal emotion. Fuck it all when I'm in this emotional time of month (sorry tmi maybe but it's true) and to top it off I'm drinking wine which always make me even MORE emotional. Ugh, I try and try to be what everyone wants me to be, what I think he wants me to be, when in truth it's not what I feel and I can't bear the thought of being hurt and or losing what I have now. I know this isn't the best I can I get, somewhere out there, or perhaps somewhere in this complicated path I'm heading down now, it can get there. There to the perfect spot where everything is exposed and no secrets are kept, where I can trust he loves my crazy and me and all my insecurities and shortcomings and imperfections. I know there's that moment for me just waiting to happen, but for now I'm clinging to this imagined false happiness that I can't accept because it's already breaking my heart. I never knew, I never ever ever knew what it meant to be terrified to risk your heart like this, to see the heartbreak that's hanging possible over the fragile edge of this fleeting fling we're creating. But I'm just about all in, and already I obsess with unknowing. So here my loves is my naked heart, my bare emotion. I still believe someday it will all be easy and simple and perfect and comforting and safe, but for now I'm throwing my heart to the lions and just cringing in anticipation for the day he tosses my heart aside and tires of me.
All that said, the moment he calls me tonight, and god help me if he doesn't, I'll go running to his arms like always...heart closed again to me and the truth. God help me.
Monday, August 2nd, 2010
12:28 am
How funny this thing we call life.

We were joking around at work the other day saying I'm so stuck in the rut I'm lying there on my back reading a magazine, I'm building a shack, transfering my mailing address.
I'm watching these days flake off and fall away with pointless ease, but I'm laughing in a whirlwind of delirious...delririous what, insanity? bliss? intoxication? My heart pounds to the snap of a bottle cap, my lips smack to the lick of savory smoke, and my mind moans beneath the layers thickening in a haze around it. I would regret these decisions, but there's a happiness without fullfilment that is sustaining me for now. I still refuse to forsake the passion of this lifestyle for the mundane days that threaten my inevitable future. I'm crawling with the roughest of them, but I have a job and a home, I have a loving baby boy, and I spend my nights with loyal and honest friends who bruise my sides with laughing and wrap their arms around me with naked love. Some may think I'm settling, some may think I'm wasting my life, but I think settling would be moving to a big harsh cold city and taking a job I hate in order to make money and buy a bigger house with matching sofas and stainless steel pots and pans. I've barely bought anything concrete that is new for myself in the last year, but I buy a 12 pack of pbr at least four days a week (don't worry I share I never drink it all myself). You couldn't even imagine my nights unless you've seen it yourself, couldn't even grasp my lifestyle unless you're surrendering to it. It's a beautiful exposure, a magical connection between old friends, strangers, and lovers. The people I meet nightly are kissing me goodbye on the cheek at the break of the sunrise, and we fill our time with games of twister, climbing trees, baking cakes, snorkeling beers, mesmerized by guys on stilts and girls twirling fire to the sounds of songs singing straigt to our souls. And now I even have him...
How fitting then is this new happiness that snuck into my life. Tragic in nature in that there is a definite end, in other relationships there must always be at least the possibility of forever. In mine there's none. Doomed with an undefined but undeniable deadline. I know eventually I'll move and his life is here with his children, and I know although he is the kindest most amazing guy he's not my forever. Still what a classic love story, the hidden affair between the cook and the waitress. We cast secret sidelong glances at each other as we pass by one another at work, his fingers linger on mine when he hands me a plate to run to the dining room, and we high five instead of kissing each other goodbye. Then through the midnight hours at his house we play and drink and he drags his hand along my waist as he passes and kisses my neck as we sit on the porch and drapes his longs arms around me as he rocks me gently side to side while we stand and talk with our wonderful friends. We steal away the a.m. hours and cherish the mornings he doesn't have to watch his kids, then Sunday rolls around and he spends the next two days with his two boys and I'm left alone and snuggling with my cat on the futon writing my woes in here. But it's ok, I'm happy, I'm left smiling all the time and I think about him nonstop and I swoon with the thought of the things he does to me. How fitting, the almost relationship, the happy for now because I can't find anything more fulfilling nor do I want to look relationship, the story of my life relationship. I am growing visible souveniers but I still think that soon this phase of my life will end. Until that happens I'm going to soak up the delirium, cherish each hangover, and dig my fingers hard into the reality I share with all these wonderful wandering wasted souls.
Saturday, April 3rd, 2010
11:06 pm
I miss something to believe in. I miss that something I felt within myself, I miss that something I imagined from this life, I miss those dreams I thought were endless. I'm drowning in a flat sea of grey. Sinking in dull moments, crazed unhappiness, and stale metaphores. I'm failing and I'm tired. I used to be so inspired, so deliriously in love with this life. I saw the beauty in every moment, I felt it consume me with abandon on the crest of every breath I took. I'm so unhappy because I know I'm being the coward I vowed I'd never be. I'm breaking promises and shredding dreams from the little girl that used to swing barefoot in the hammock on summer days, eager and squirming with uncontained anxiousness for life to begin, staring into the clouds of the dawns of hopeful tomorrows. When did I lose my nerve? When did I shed my confidence? When did I give up? Coward. The word devours my mind and eats away my grip on my sanity, blinding me in an angry tantrum.
I might quit my job tomorrow. I might make less money, I might lose some treasured friends I've made, but I think this might foster a change I desperately need. It might force me to take more steps to change this life I have right now that I hate. I think leaving behind that unhappiness just might save me for another tomorrow, and maybe that young girl with the dreams will be free to dream again. Just might, just maybe.
Monday, March 22nd, 2010
8:50 pm
When i was younger i used to spin circles in the office chair upstairs for hours at a time. I would clutch the back, sinking my soft fingertips into the threaded fiber of the scratchy material and kicking my feet with breathless excitement, and as my braids whipped at the corners of my misty eyes and knocked at the gates of my grinning teeth I would roll my head around, tracing circles within cirlces as i scattered my bearings in a whirlwind of gleeful disorientation.
I feel like not much has changed.
I am still kicking my feet with breathless abandon, I am still grinning at the whipping consequences of my reckless twirling, I am still tracing circles within circles in my life. For a while I was lost, I forgot what it was like to feel that plummeting sense of thrill wrapping around my stability, I forgot what it was like to surrender. Then I secured enough footing to gain enough composure to leap again. I am falling, brilliantly, breathlessly, brainlessly, beckoning for what may come to come and whispering taunts to the fates to spin me faster and faster until I am knocked off my feet completely. I feel like I'm hurling myself towards something, perhaps something dangerous, but I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to do what else to do. I know I'm a coward, I hide behind an easy job, two simple jobs, and my smeared glasses. But fuck it, lead me to the building FUCK YOU! haha i'm too drunk and too high to care. Yeah right, get real, no way, bull shit. Good times indeed.
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010
11:33 pm
I have finally become that person I never thought I'd be. I have finally become the person who intentionally rejects plans and stays home at night to watch american idol. With my cat of course, but that's a given.
Today was ok. I was woken up by the harsh buzzing of my phone by my ear and my manager asking me to stay home today because once again the patio would not be open and they did not need me to come in. I was upset because I knew I would be missing out on much needed money again but at the same time I needed a day off. Without today I would have worked 12 days in a row between my two jobs without a day off, and while the challenge seemed exhilirating I had a lovely productive me day.
I laid in bed most of the morning watching 30 rock, then finally dragged myself up. It snowed yesterday...again...and remaining flurries continued to dust the roads again today. I'm hoping desperately that this will be the last time this winter I see this crystal coated world outside, because I never realized how stressful living dollar to dollar in the real world really was. Yet still the kid smiled inside me, and after a well given suggestion I decided to walk to do my errands.
I spent the walk to the bank talking to my wonderful little Charlotte, and the walk back I spent having a much needed catch up with my brother who I hadn't spoken to since Christmas. I deposited a check, withdrew rent money, bought groceries for dinner and paid the electric bill. It's very refreshing getting things done, so I treated myself when I got back to watching Taking Woodstock as I was curled around my baby boy. Then we napped in each others arms. God I'm such a cat lady...
Then I did all my laundry, showered and made a lovely boxed dinner from Macaroni Grill. Creamy garlic parmesean chicken and pasta with sun dried tomatoes. I ate it while watching american idol and drinking miller lite. Then Scoot and I cuddled, again.
This may all seem mundane, but after my show I made my bed, brushed my teeth, and crawled into bed to set my alarm for 6:30. Today was ok, and a flicker of a feeling tickeled my chest as I snuggled into my clean sheets. I had a good day, by myself, doing errands, making dinner, going to bed sober and early. It's what I've been trying to do for so long, be that responsible girl who goes to bed dreaming rather than reeling with blurred alcoholic vision. I am happy, battling this lonliness, and loving the feel of my stiff fingers break free upon this keyboard. It's nothing flashy, it's nothing dramatic, but it's real, and it feels great. I think now I'll be ok, I think now I'll be fine. Goodnight, I'm off to dream and once again curl around my wonderful beautiful baby boy Scoot :)
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010
10:03 pm
The bones of weariness rattle an echo inside my empty chest and linger like this endless winter. I'm pining on this lonely couch in a dreamland of passion and adoration, falling in love and longing over and over to the point of hot tears. My searching fingers coil around the twitching tail of my baby boy as I impose a memory onto this solitude and imagine myself into a blissful fantasy. I sunk my teeth with overeager abandon into a shaky reality and came out choking on a bite too big to chew, and now I'm back to hollow dreaming and fallen expectations. I'm swaying between the was and the might be, dizzy with distorted pasts and reuniting with over imagined impossibilities. And I don't know what will happen, I'm blindly leaping between the gaps of this ellipses, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to stomach it, but for now my empty dreaming will sustain me. I'll hurl myself into working for ten days without a day off, and I'll run home to my baby boy cause I know he's always waiting for me to throw my arms around him, and I'll wait for tomorrow and perhaps...well just perhaps.
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
11:03 pm
Looks like the realist won this round again. I should have guessed it, but I'm such a sucker for the dreamer. Strike three, you're out. Back to cat lady.
Sunday, November 1st, 2009
11:57 pm
kiss me you fool
I feel like I've forgotten so many important things. So much has slipped out of my mind and gotten buried under this life I've somehow chosen. I've learned to fool myself into believing so many falsehoods.
I've kissed three people in the last three days.
The first one made my heart flutter and my stomach drop. He was handsome and fun and as the drinks kept coming I spun further into the delusion and living this fantasy. The next day as I laughed it off I realized something was missing, it was amusing but utterly empty and pointless. The swell in my lungs and the butterflies left not even a shadow, no imprint, no real joy.
The second one left even less. I wasn't sure, but he was. The way he smiled at me, the way he leaned towards me, the look in his eyes. The only thing he didn't get was the absence of all of that in my vacant smile, my stiff shoulders, my shielded eyes. It was nice, it was boring, it will not happen again.
But the third one...
The third one was unexpected, unimagined. I had given up and for weeks put him out of my mind. I tried to let it all go until that night. Let go the vague but intriguing comments, let go the smiles, let go what everyone else saw and remarked upon, let go the intimate but secretive and shy ways he always touched my back or arm to let me know he was there. But last night I was playing. I was twirling in drunken moments, patches of laughter and shots and games coloring my memories, but I was playing and we were wrestling like I used to play with my guy friends back home. And somehow without warning it happened. I reeled back in surprise, confused and dizzy. I'd waited so long for it that I gave up, and without expectations I got what I had wanted for so long.
I have forgotten so many important things. I've forgotten how it feels when real butterflies tickle my stomach. I've forgotten the sinking wonder of being held. I've forgotten what it's like to be kissed by someone who means it, and what it's like to mean it back.
And unfortunately I've also forgotten how we got there or where we went afterwards, and all I know is that I think I messed even this one up once again. But I've been playing this game for so long that at least I already know the rules and the stakes. It's hard to mourn the loss of something you thought you never had and have been convincing yourself of never getting, it's hard but still painful. Half my heart is the realist who knows this will never work out and is trying to move on, but the other half is the dreamer who is digging in heels and dragging behind wondering the what-ifs and hoping the if-onlys. The question rests unaswered on my lips, and for now thats all thats resting on them until that question is answered and the realist or the dreamer prevails.
Friday, October 23rd, 2009
1:30 am
empty bottles
Every inch of me cries with it, and I've already forgotten. A bottle of wine later and my mind simmers into the passion devouring my conscious. My eyes roll back with it, tears fall without dams down the soft rolls of my cheeks, disappearing beneath my eyes falling closed with emotion. I'm sick with it, tears falling without reason but so much more meant than in the light of day. I miss everything, and at the same time every new day is a treasure I hold burning against my heart. Every pain, every new discovery that shaves off a piece of my stability is licked agaist my eager lips, searching ever more for a taste of the pain I now know I crave. Pushed to every brink, feeling every piercing edge of life that kisses my open heart, the lone tear escaping down my cheek almost goes unnoticed and at the same time secretly cherished. Every harsh kiss, every rough gesture, all the aggresion, all the roughness, all the trembling fights, all the bare emotion throbbing beneath the thin veil poorly masking it. My heart races at the same time it trails into sleep. I struggle to release all these feelings into meager words while my skins soaks the wetnes from spilling eyes. Nothing makes sense and at the same time everything is clear. I think I'm crawling, day by day, in the right direction, and whether that direction is saving or burying me I've yet to discover. But be sure my loves, my distant old and dear loves, my loves whose names bring fresh pain and moist memories to these lidded eyes, these weary and young and midnight eager drunk eyes, be sure my loves I'm thinking of you and remembering every kind word of friendship you uttered to lead my life here where it is. I miss the perfection with which our lives entwined around each other. I miss the laughs that so easily harmoninzed with mine. I miss our star-lit talks about our future that seemed so distant and possible, so untainted by failure, so unblemished, so easy. I miss your faces, and your smiles, and your hugs. I'm trying to enjoy these days of my life without you in it and realize that nothing, no game and no joke and no dream and no love is the same without you to share in the realization of it with me. I think we were all spoiled by the early peak of our perfection in each other, but somehow we must continue broken and separated. I miss each of you with each new breath I take after each new sunrise, but somehow I'll learn to recalibrate my steps to the ryhthm I somehow have to accept of monday to friday suck your will away stare at a computer at a desk and worry about bills and insurance and savings and the future. I would give any number of years off my life to have just one of you at this very moment come wipe the tears from my nose and smooth my breathing and hug me to sleep telling me everything. will. be. ok. My fingers could dance this tale a thousand times over tonight in different wordplays but it seems my eyes have a different agenda and tears make seeing blurred. I love you all, I miss you all, and this thread I'm hanging on by is only built from the years I've spent loving you. Goodnight dear ones, goodnight beautiful loves, goodnight best friends. I'll see you in my aching dreams tonight where we once again have the world at our beckoning and our summer nights are endless. I love you, and always will. Goodnight.
Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
8:52 pm
a death in the family
Canda Faye Kinney died early this morning in her bed, where she was sleeping just a few floors below me in the dorm I'm staying in. She had just turned 21 a few weeks ago, and she was a senior here at Wake Forest. I've known her since she was a freshman and I was a sophomore and she first joined Phi Mu. She was always really quiet, we never talked much, but when I saw her I always said hello and she replied with a smile. I wish I had known her more, to lose someone so young is tragic and devastating. We had a ritual tonight to remember her and I was lucky I was here to attend. It was beautiful and sad, and very few eyes were dry.
I am wasting away my life, each day goes by with me sitting on my ass again. I'm so tired of everything and I'm only 22. Why don't I have the energy? Why don't I do something about my life wasting before me? I keep saying I'll do something new, I'll change, I'll seize life....tomorrow. For Canda there was no tomorrow. I feel like I don't deserve my tomorrow. I'm stuck at Wake until my car is repaired, and then I'll head back to Asheville. So many things I need to change, so much, so badly. Perhaps I can, perhaps I will...tomorrow. Always tomorrow. But maybe my tomorrow will come and I can be the person I want to be. Maybe.
Tuesday, August 11th, 2009
2:20 pm
girl meets boy, girl dates boy, boy crushes girl...
I met a wonderful guy the other week. A few meetings, a lot of texts, and hours on the phone later and we reach our first real date. We got pizza down the road, he paid, I wore my black cotton dress, he smelled amazing. Then we drove to the Grove Park Inn, we got drinks and sat in the rocking chairs by the fountain under the stars staring at the mountains. Conversation was amazing, we talked deeply and continuously about everything. The attraction was absurd, I've never felt a physical pull towards anyone as strongly as I felt with him. He felt it too I know, I could tell by the way he leaned towards me and walked close by my side. We went back to my place, watched Pulp Fiction. Then we cuddled, his arm was draped across my lap and I was curled around it. I was nodding off and decided it was time for him to finally make the move that we both so clearly craved. But he told me no, that we had to talk. Then came the bullshit. So at what point was I supposed to realize that he was trying not to flirt with me? That he didn't want to hurt me? That he had to leave without even a kiss? That he didn't want me to become attached and he didn't think he could do this? What the fuck? I grabbed him before he could leave me, I forced a kiss upon him that we both felt like lightening for three seconds before he jumped up and left. I can count the number of times I've experienced mutual attraction with a boy in my life on my one hand. This doesn't happen to me, ever, and the one time in years that it does and he ruins it with bullshit. Even if I wanted to contact him I can't because his job is working at a camp in the woods for the next 8 days.
So I went to the Humane Society and found my cat Scoot. He has been waiting for me and I have waiting to find him for weeks, and yesterday we finally met. I live in apartment with one of my best friends, but she leaves me every night to sleep with her boyfriend. I'm not mad, I understand, but I'm always alone. Not anymore. I found a new man, I found Scoot, and Scoot will always love me and always wait for me at home and always sleep with me at night when Sarah is gone and he'll watch movies with me and I'll play with him and we'll always have each other. When I met Dan I drank less, I stopped hooking up with random or inappropriate boys, I thought I was finally maturing and I felt myself returning to the person I want to be. When he left me I cried because I knew I could fall into my old ways so easily again, with no one to stop me I'll continue to be the drunken whore I had been for years. But then I found Scoot, it was perfect timing, he is perfect.
So yes I am officially a cat lady and proud. I'm giving up real men because they are unreliable and I have Scoot to go to and look after and save my money for. No more boys, no more blacking out, no more sleeping with inappropriate guys. I have Scoot, and he is going to save me and help me become the person I know I can and want to be.
He comes home tomorrow, I'll put pictures on facebook as soon as I can. I know you'll love him too :)
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